I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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