I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
