now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
