the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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