i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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