I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
