I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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