We won't sleep together?
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
