I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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