Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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