New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My balls are so social today.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
