The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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