I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm like, not good at living.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
