I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
