Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
