I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
