so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
