What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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