These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
