ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
