all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
