My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
