I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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