my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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