The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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