So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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