Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
