I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
