What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
