There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
