when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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