I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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