Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
