Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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