I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
