if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My life is pants optional.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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