i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
