i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
