Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
