i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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