life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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