please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
