There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
