So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
