no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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