....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
