Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
