He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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