alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
