I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
