I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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