I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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